Thursday, October 21, 2010

Co-Dependent

I have to tell you some more truths. I am an EXTREMELY co-dependent person. I got pregnant when I was 19 and have been with some sort of man, boy, boy-man, man-child, (come on...aren't they really all one in the same?) since. When my second husband left me HIGH and DRY with two children (one a baby) I was immediately searching for the next one to at least help take care of me. Co-dependence. I found...well...several. None of them ever darkened my front door, but they were there to provide me with the things I felt I needed. Companionship (however brief), making me feel like I was important, (however even BRIEFER), and...well...money. Really the only thing I was seeking at the time. After all, my new little restaurant job wasn't paying the bills that were piling up on a single mom of two...who had an increasing alcohol and prescription pain pill addiction. Co-dependence. Numbness. Then I met my current husband. He was the best provider of it all. He was handsome and paid attention to me, he helped me with money and I didn't have to do anything weird or uncomfortable to obtain it. He had alcohol in abundance. He had drugs. SCORE! Then I lost my job....and moved in with him. Co-dependence. Fear. We had some great times, we had some horrible times. Times occasionally got out of hand and I would end up with large bruises and scars on my body. But he was "taking care of me". Co-dependence. A Prison. We made it through storm after storm after storm, and somewhere along the line things just clicked in his head. This isn't life. This isn't the life we agreed we wanted. We are never going to make it to our future if we stay on this rigid path. So he stopped the drugs. He stopped the drinking. Co
-dependence? I wasn't ready to stop, but now I was all alone doing it and that was no fun. We got married one gorgeous June afternoon, just us and the pastor in the middle of a park with a lovely gazebo behind us. Immediately after we said our I Do's and got back in the car...the sun disappeared and there was a downpour. Then as quickly as it began, the crying clouds dispersed and a rainbow emerged. It was like a metaphor for our entire relationship. And the floodgates behind my eyes erupted. It was still several months before I would feel the tug on my heart strings from my Father in heaven saying that's enough now, return to Me...I have much greater things in store. Co-Dependence. That's the kind I can live with. But now I am a married woman. With a husband...who though loves me dearly, and luckily struggles with the same things I do, he has never met my Maker. He asks questions about Him almost daily, (especially now that he sees his bride falling head over heels in love with her Savior). But that joy, that peace, that un-conditional love, it's an enigma to him. He's only known bad, rebellious, lost, Satan gripped Jessica. This reborn, shaken to the quick, cry at the drop of a hat, broken, humble, newly co-dependent on the King of all Kings Jessica is confusing and doesn't look quite right. I can't talk my husband into walking to the cross with me. But I can walk there, hold out my hand, and beckon him to come with me, beside me...so together we can rest awhile at HIS feet together. Fall in HIS arms...and as man and wife, experience that co-dependency that we were made to feel. Co-Dependent? Here's more information

3 comments:

  1. Hang strong girl... you rock!

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  2. Oh Jessica I hope that one day we can actually meet cuz I want to give you a big hug! Your posts are so emotional and real and I love you for that! lol!
    Tiffany

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  3. beautifully written Jess-- miss you!!

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