Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Hang Up

In recovery the step I have been scared most of since the beginning is amends. Making amends for people who have hurt me, and whom I've hurt. Oddly enough...I find it MUCH easier to ask forgiveness for the things I've done to hurt people than to express the hurt other's have caused me. I think I'm still hurting. I watch a great show called Intervention on A&E. I've watched it for years and the thing that I love the most and makes me cry in almost every episode is the family members. Who even days before may have been so frustrated with the addict they were cursing to high heaven, in there face mad. But when coached after just a session with the interventionist on how to get their feelings out in a constructive way...tears flow. And the majority of the time the same sentence is uttered; "We just want the old _____ back." I long for people in my life to after cursing me to the ceiling, say that there's nothing they won't do to keep me a part of their lives as long as I'm following the correct path. I've never had that...and I'm very resentful and hurt because of it. They say hurt people hurt people, and that's exactly the pattern I've seen in my behavior. I understand that I have caused a lot of hurt, but I've been hurt too...and that's a tough one to proclaim. I'm just not sure about amends. I wish those people would soften their hearts and somehow find me...and knowing the God I know...I can't say that it's impossible. I pray daily I'll get there...and I have faith that I will, sometimes it simply overwhelms me. The task in itself, and the sadness written there in black and white. Do you have any amends stories to share? Successful or not so?

Interventions new season is beginning soon, and in the advertisements for it this girl says this line, "Heroin made the sun rise in my soul." Wow...that's powerful. Powerfully sad, profound, and true. These external addictions are amazing at numbing the world. And when the world goes down on us...we find that aaaahhh feeling...in drugs, alcohol, anything that calms us and makes the sun rise again within us. I can't wait to watch that episode...I pray that girl has a family that even though they are hurt by her actions, refuse to let her go without a fight. How I hope someone grabs her by the arm and tells her about her Father that has already won that war for her soul...all she has to do is claim it.

I pray for you!!! Be Restored!!!


  1. I am sitting here crying my eyes out as I read this post. Wow! I could almost say I wrote it. It sound so much like me. I pray every night that those I hurt and those that hurt me will forgive me and get on. But, it doesn't look like it so I have gotten on with my life and trying to make the best of it with out them.
    Love you girl. I am here for you.

  2. Miss you and your posts! Wondering where ya are. I know I'm almost like a stalker! lol!

  3. I love my stalkers!!! i'll post tonight. hubby has been on vacation so HARK i've been paying attention to him! I kicked his hind end out today to get back to work so...i'm back to "work" too :)